Memories of Summer

First off, apologies for being a misery of late.  I've been suffering from the malady that is head up arse and have felt a black cloud covering my world.  I am prone to these from time to time, they creep up on me when change is afoot and envelop me to the point where I'm suffocating under the heavy veil of dark, sombre thoughts.  Change makes me reflect and reflection often carries with it the need to be better.  Anyway, time to step out from the darkness and move forward.

Summer has held little meaning for me since I started working.  I worked, and go back to working, in a place where there are no windows and thus should the end of the world be happening I wouldn't have an inkling.  Come rain or shine it makes no difference, I have the lovely florescent lights that tell me nothing about what time of year it is.

When I was a child we had great summers, in the six week summer holidays we would take day trips once a week to somewhere new.  I am the oldest of five and the five of us would go travelling all over the country.  We would make food to take with us; usually sandwiches, chicken drumsticks, crisps and drinks to see us through the day.  Come early morning my Mum would take us to the train station and see us onto the train before she went to work.  Those were the days when she made sure I carried plenty of ten pence pieces to ring her from the phonebox when we got there and in case we got stuck for whatever reason.  No mobile phones when I was young which gives you an indication of just how old I am.

One time we were hungry before the train left the station and so started diving into the sandwiches once seated.  I remember the guard standing outside watching us with the most amused expression and the five of us waving and grinning like it was the most normal thing to be doing.  When I think back now, my youngest sister could only have been 2 or 3 which made me 13 or 14 at the time, so yes, looking back I can see why he had that expression.

We went to Oxford on a day trip and had been told by our Dad to go visit the college he had attended.   It was quite a distance from the train station but we didn't realise that until our youngest sister complained that she was tired of walking.  Two of us took it in turns to carry and piggyback her for what felt like miles.  We got to the college, peeked through the gates, clicked the camera and that was that; mission accomplished!

If there was a tour bus we would always go on those as it took us to places we couldn't walk to.  It also served the purpose of giving us a rest when we were tired.  There was many a time towards the end of a day where we would be sitting on the bus going round and round the tour loop until it was time to catch the train home.

My second sister's birthday is in August and for her sixth birthday we had a party for her.  My parents had never done the whole birthday party thing so when we were old enough my first sister and I organised a party for her.  We were giving my sister something we never had when we were growing up, we had a party with just the five of us; it is one of the happiest memories from our childhood that we all share.  Sprout has told me often that it is the one moment in time that we have all talked about on separate occasions.  We had saved some money for party food, decorations and even had party bags to make sure her experience was a full one. We had burgers, played games and although other details have been forgotten I know we all had great fun.

All my memories of happy times and fun are always those moments I shared with my siblings.  The five of us are close, very close.  My Mum worked hard to provide the roof over our heads and put food on the table but in doing so she missed these moments but she had no choice.  As a parent myself,  I now look on those times and feel sadness that my own parents didn't play a part in those memories.  With Munch I want to be a part of his most happy memories;  to experience his wonder at discovering new places and to learn from him what it is to see the world anew.

Bittersweet

As my son's first tooth has started cutting through it has been met with excitement and sadness in equal measure.  He has grown and developed constantly over the entire eight months of his life thus far but this first tooth marks a turning point in my eyes.

His little face is about to change forever by the appearance of not one but two teeth.  His front two teeth are cutting through and in a very short while he will go from the gummy baby we adore to the start of becoming a little boy.  We have greeted each change with wonder and amazement and we look forward to more that is yet to come.  Sprout and I have set in motion the creation of a confident, playful, energetic and talkative little boy.

The past few months have seen a fast forward in developments and it has been hard keeping up.  He has gone from attempting to roll one day to mastering it the next.  He babbles non-stop from the moment he wakes yet we still have no clue as to what he is telling all and sundry.  He makes great strides in eating and is now self-weaning off the boob.  All this is great I assure you, but as he learns to do more and more himself his reliance on us decreases.  Good, great, hurrah!?

The things he needs from us, his parents, are changing.  I speak for myself when I say that I have only just grasped what he wanted from me - the amount of learning we have done is immense.  We have gone from working down the checklists of why he is crying to actually knowing what his different cries are.  Yes, we have figured when you are playing us my son!  We are proficient at reading his subtle body signals. He may try to hide his tiredness because he wants to continue playing but we are onto it.  The night feeds (yes, we are still having to do those) - I've finally managed to distinguish when it is plain habit to when he actually needs a feed.

I am currently in this happy place where I can respond automatically as I am now a master of all this baby-ness and bam!  I'm too slow on the uptake and he has gotten tired of waiting for me to catch up.  Munch pushes on with the necessary changes he must make and we have no choice but to run alongside.

There are so many moments I will miss that I am able to rub the sand that stings my eyes as I type this.  The beautiful gummy smile that greets us in a morning, the way he holds onto my fingers during the night feeds, the look he gives when he is tired of feeding himself, the way he babbles, blows raspberries and giggles at the things we do to entertain him.  Hey, I have to believe we are entertaining him otherwise he is just laughing at his Daddy and me which is understandable too!

Bittersweet because I want to bottle these moments forever yet am looking forward to all that is on the horizon.  His first word, his first step - so many, many more firsts.  We have truly enjoyed this beginning and I will miss it tremendously.

P.S. Soon after I finished this post Munch decided to surprise us further and walk pushing his walker for the very first time!  The expression on his face on realising what he was doing was magic.  Our baby is a little boy.

I can and I will

Before your child was born did you have a mental list of the many things you would like to do with them?

The only thing I had in my mind before his birth was that I wanted him to have what I term a proper childhood.  One filled with happy memories of times spent doing the simplest things as a family be it jumping in puddles to camping in the garden.

With his birth came the realisation that in order to achieve this rich and varied family life I would need to learn some new skills myself.  Hark -  a challenge no less!  What would our son be interested in?  I don't know everything about everything and I never trust those that believe they do.  There are many a thing I cannot do - the list is endless.  There is the riding a bike (I did do once but I rode into a lady on that first attempt. She promptly tore me down verbally and so I haven't been on one since!), chess, all manner of sport related things and that is just for starters.

I am wanting to be able to participate and support Munch to the point where I am quite willing to do whatever it takes.  I, personally, may not have an ounce of interest in something but I am willing to learn with him.  Given time I may even enjoy the things I am not keen on right now.

Maybe you read this and think I am being unrealistic.  I know there will be things that I just cannot grasp - the thought of encouraging him to be creative scares the bejeezus out of me.  Neither Sprout nor I are creative types you see.  That hasn't stopped me from pinning all things creative on Pinterest for future use though!

I am all for trying our utmost to forge great memories in the hope that we leave our son with the knowledge that we gave him time - our time.   Of all the moments in my life where I need to remember the phrase "I can and I will" it is now and, in my mind, always.