Words

Words - we write them, read them and speak them.  We use them having given much thought and conversely, with no thought whatsoever.  Since becoming a fully fledged Mum with the arrival of Munch I have probably taken many to heart.  I don't know what it is but there have been words thrown in my direction that have either opened the flood gates or really got my defenses up. 

"It's not about you."
"Why don't you give formula?"
"You're making a mistake and you'll change your mind."
"I'm so tired."
"Why don't you do ..... , you have time."
"I go to work."

There are many more that I could add and have been said by all manner of those around me.  I swallow my own words as the torrent of verbal abuse that runs through my brain in the split second that follows is unreal.  If unleashed I know they would cut to the core and I am not one that likes to be hot headed when it comes to using my words, for once they venture forth from my mouth there is no way I can ever take them back and living with regret is not something I like to do.

It often makes me wonder whether people think before they speak.  We all have heat of the moment reactions and Sprout has always said that the words spoken in those moments hold some truth to them.  If this is true, then in my case I don't think much of those around me.  My first reactions are always extreme; my first reactions are always cutting my nose off to spite my face; my first reactions are always viscous, below the belt and I would be an utter bitch in the things I would say.  I know this about myself and stop.  I like to have time to calm down, re-evaluate the situation and think - this usually manifests itself in complete silence on my part, not helpful I know but for me it's better than the alternative.

Words can hurt and leave scars on us all.  I remember the phrases above because they hurt at the time.  They hurt because they showed little thought; little understanding; little compassion; little sensitivity; little tact and little diplomacy.  I am not faultless when it comes to using words.  I am poor in communicating my deepest feelings and often wonder if it is because I am afraid of the reaction once I put them out there.  Maybe I am overly sensitive as a new Mum seeing as my self confidence has taken a dive.   Do all Mums take comments as personal slights?  I need to toughen up and probably tell people to shut up and back off; maybe I need to stop thinking before I speak!

Remember when

Remember when the earth used to move - a lot - in the early days of your relationship?  You go through that honeymoon period as you get to know each other and then things inevitably settle down as life gets back on track.  Add to that a baby and the earth seems to get stuck on its axis as you both come to terms with the changes taking place.  There will probably be many a false start as there is nothing that puts out those flames quite so quickly as a child demanding your attention ... there are your own parents of course but that's not what I'm talking about here.

I have read and heard about the father's being patient and having needs to fulfill.  There seem to be plenty willing to share that.  It made me stop and think.  I actually haven't come across any discussion amongst mothers about theirs.  It has to be done .... *looks wistfully around and extends hand in the air*  I'm a mother, I have a nine month old son and actually I have needs too.  There I said it.  I know that in the feeling lonely, isolated, teary states,  I have many that stand with me.  Why haven't I come across a Mum saying that your sex life changes too?

Towards the end of my pregnancy I felt fat.  My hips ached through having PSD; moving became cumbersome and I didn't feel attractive, glowing or any of the things they say in the glossy magazines.  My hair never got lush and at this moment in time I am beginning to moult (it's the only word for it) as my hormones start to change again.  Post birth was not much better.  My nether regions felt like a multitude of balloon animals had taken up residence - you know what I mean to those ladies who experienced a vaginal birth.  No-one had told me that would happen and although some part of me really wanted to get a mirror to take a peek, I controlled myself and didn't.  I cannot imagine it was a pretty site to behold; not that I can be found spread-eagled inspecting my up and unders everyday I'd like to add!   Add to that the crepe-like belly, swollen ankles, bags under the eyes and general dishevelled look I was rocking, sexy and attractive was not how I felt.

The belly and swollen ankles are now gone and the hedge backwards style only makes an appearance as a one off special every so often.  You would think we'd be back in business right?  Wrong!  It gets replaced with impeccable timing by the little man or, more often than not, sheer exhaustion.  My libido is still there ticking away in the background like an unexploded bomb but life has gotten in the way.  Would I like to work my womanly charms?  Of course, but the chances of me having fallen asleep before the man of the house has even finished brushing his teeth are very, very high.  A wry smile flickers across my face as I write this - sex would be nice.  To be awake when the opportunity arises would be more helpful though!

I cannot believe for one moment that I am alone in how I feel.  Wouldn't it be nice to feel all womanly and yummy rather than frumpy?  I have had discussions about my feelings at my most vulnerable moments with complete strangers whom I've never met.  Is sex too personal a topic? 

Someone has to go first right?  I'll start.

*gulps*

"Hi, I'm Mushypea.  I'm finding it difficult to have a sex life now we have a baby.  Do you?"

*waits for the anonymous comments*

Bittersweet

As my son's first tooth has started cutting through it has been met with excitement and sadness in equal measure.  He has grown and developed constantly over the entire eight months of his life thus far but this first tooth marks a turning point in my eyes.

His little face is about to change forever by the appearance of not one but two teeth.  His front two teeth are cutting through and in a very short while he will go from the gummy baby we adore to the start of becoming a little boy.  We have greeted each change with wonder and amazement and we look forward to more that is yet to come.  Sprout and I have set in motion the creation of a confident, playful, energetic and talkative little boy.

The past few months have seen a fast forward in developments and it has been hard keeping up.  He has gone from attempting to roll one day to mastering it the next.  He babbles non-stop from the moment he wakes yet we still have no clue as to what he is telling all and sundry.  He makes great strides in eating and is now self-weaning off the boob.  All this is great I assure you, but as he learns to do more and more himself his reliance on us decreases.  Good, great, hurrah!?

The things he needs from us, his parents, are changing.  I speak for myself when I say that I have only just grasped what he wanted from me - the amount of learning we have done is immense.  We have gone from working down the checklists of why he is crying to actually knowing what his different cries are.  Yes, we have figured when you are playing us my son!  We are proficient at reading his subtle body signals. He may try to hide his tiredness because he wants to continue playing but we are onto it.  The night feeds (yes, we are still having to do those) - I've finally managed to distinguish when it is plain habit to when he actually needs a feed.

I am currently in this happy place where I can respond automatically as I am now a master of all this baby-ness and bam!  I'm too slow on the uptake and he has gotten tired of waiting for me to catch up.  Munch pushes on with the necessary changes he must make and we have no choice but to run alongside.

There are so many moments I will miss that I am able to rub the sand that stings my eyes as I type this.  The beautiful gummy smile that greets us in a morning, the way he holds onto my fingers during the night feeds, the look he gives when he is tired of feeding himself, the way he babbles, blows raspberries and giggles at the things we do to entertain him.  Hey, I have to believe we are entertaining him otherwise he is just laughing at his Daddy and me which is understandable too!

Bittersweet because I want to bottle these moments forever yet am looking forward to all that is on the horizon.  His first word, his first step - so many, many more firsts.  We have truly enjoyed this beginning and I will miss it tremendously.

P.S. Soon after I finished this post Munch decided to surprise us further and walk pushing his walker for the very first time!  The expression on his face on realising what he was doing was magic.  Our baby is a little boy.

To be apart

When did you spend your first planned hours apart from the little person/people in your life?  I have spent less than twelve hours apart from Munch in almost seven months and the thought of it scares me somewhat.  Maybe 'scares' is not strong enough a word - how about petrified, anxious, nervous and probably a whole host of other words my brain cannot bring to the fore right now. 

You see, the plan is that this Saturday I will spend an afternoon on my own doing whatever it is I choose.  We have decided that Munch and I need to start spending time apart before we can even think about leaving him with anyone other than Daddy.  Daycare/ nursery looms so I have to do this. 

It has felt like a long time since I have been, well, just me.  I have been a Mummy from the day we got that positive test and my life became centred around doing what was best for Munch.  Who am I now?  All the activities I attend, it is not about who I am but Munch.  I watched something the other day and the mother said about feeling invisible - it struck a chord.  I am not sure I know how I fit into the big world outside of the one I have been living in for all this time.   I am not the same person I was all that time ago and yet I am. Confused?  So am I.

Small steps - it is but a few hours, it cannot be that difficult!  I have made an appointment at the hairdressers which will take all of thirty minutes as I only want a cut and blow.  What else?  Help me people, what else??  It would be very easy for me to decide and go do the food shopping and all manner of house related things but that kind of misses the point of this exercise right?  *strikes that from the list*

Lunch?  A movie?  What takes up lots of time without you realising?  How about driving around and around the M60 ring road until it gets to home time or my petrol light comes on?  There are so many things that could be done but I have no clue as to what it is I want to do.  Ooo, I need to get a pair of shoes for a wedding next month.  That's now two things on my list at least.  Throw in lunch with or without a friend as I need to eat - three things.

I know it is healthy for me to get some me time and that this will eventually lead to some Mushypea-and-Sprout-only-time in the future. So why does the prospect of a few hours apart seem so utterly daunting?

Will I be checking my phone every two minutes?  Will I make it further than ten minutes away from our front door?  Will I end up sat in my car in the middle of nowhere feeling glum?  *sighs* I can feel a panic rising from the depths - I have to able to do this otherwise how will I go on when I return to work? 

I know Munch and Sprout will be fine without me, will I without them?

How and when do you find the time to ...

Eek, my first tag in a meme thanks to Farfromhomemama of Three years, one stone then home , wondering if my routine is full of thrills and adventures.  I make no promises but some ground rules to start:

• Post the rules
• When answering the questions, please give as much detail as possible
• Leave a comment on Sex, drugs, rocker and stroller, baby so we can keep track of the meme and totally steal your routine tips to make our worlds a happier place
• Tag 3 or more people and link them to your blog

Okie doke, ready?  *deep breath* Here goes.

How and when do you find the time to ....

... do your laundry?

Pre-Munch, it was laundry day every Wednesday because that was my regular day off and every Sunday too.  Nowadays, it is more like three times a week depending on how the basket looks.  The sign that a load needs washing is when Munch runs short on coloured socks!  I try and put it on first thing whilst I am waiting for the kettle to boil for my morning mug of tea otherwise it is done before we venture out.  That way, by the time we return home the machine has finished washing and I can take it out.  On bad days wet washing has sat in the machine all day until Sprout finishes work and can take Munch off my hands.  This used to be so stressful for me as I like to get things done and finished once I start, but now?  I only get annoyed if I have missed a good drying day - yes, my life really has gotten to be that exciting!!

...write a blog post?

Only when Munch decides to take his two hour nap of an afternoon.  That is unless we have had a bad night in which case I will nap too. Evenings and weekends are avoided as those are protected family times for us and I will hold onto them for dear life.

...look after yourself?... i.e. wash your hair, paint your nails, take a bubble bath etc?

I have a shower every morning and wash my hair at the same time.  This is normally when Munch is having his morning nap or is playing happily on his own.  On his clingy days I have been known to have him playing on the bathroom floor while I shower.  The weekends are a more leisurely affair as Sprout is on hand although there is only so long you can drag out a shower.  Nail painting I have never really been into.  Bubble bath?  I am one of those strange people who cannot abide a bath - to some it is the most relaxing thing.  It stresses me out as I have to sit and do nothing.  I am not good at the doing nothing.

...spend time with your other half?

We have a few hours every evening once Munch is asleep - normally we watch some TV together and I may, or may not, fall asleep.  I appreciate these few hours immensely especially as in the early months we were lucky to get ten minutes to ourselves.  We spend weekends as a family which is a far cry from our pre-Munch period where we would go out for meals, watch a movie, night on the town etc.  I cannot imagine going back to that lifestyle but a 'just us' meal would be heavenly once we feel happy to leave Munch with someone.

...do fun stuff with your LO?

We always have planned activities at least twice a week. I have kept to this since he was six weeks old,  partly for my own sanity as well as his development.  We are currently going to baby swimming lessons (water confidence I think they call it) and baby sensory sessions both of which I would like for Munch to continue once I return to work as the activities change as he develops.  Other days are spent visiting friends/family or are just time for the two of us where everything depends on the weather right now.  He plays on his own, we play together, we read, we dance - or rather I dance and he gets whizzed around.  Sometimes I think he must think me plain crazy : )

...spend time with family?

As I am currently on maternity leave, we see my parents once a week and his paternal grandma and cousin once a week also.  Other family members are seen on a more ad hoc basis depending on their commitments.  Not sure how we will work things once I am back at work and I often wonder how other families juggle this as I will want him all to myself.

...socialise with friends?

I have become closer to friends who have babies a similar age to Munch - there is this understanding that exists about what can, or cannot, be done with a baby in tow.  Some friends have drifted apart whilst others are quite happy to pop round for a brew and a chat.  I guess with life changing events those around us either grow with us or move in a different direction.

...prepare an evening meal juggling a baby/toddler bedtime routine?

We eat around 6pm every evening.  I do not get to spend hours in the kitchen trying this or that recipe as much these days so meals have to be quick and easy or have to be left to cook.  As we are following baby-led weaning we always eat together.  The bedtime routine starts around 7.30pm and this changes for nobody as it throws Munch's entire night off. 

...deep clean your house?

The shame! We have not had a good deep clean for far too long.  I try and keep on top of the chores as much as possible but would quite happily like a cleaning fairy.  It will never happen as I am not sure I would trust someone else to clean our house the way I want it cleaning.  Control freak? Yes.

...do the food shopping?

We do a meat shop once a month and everything is frozen.  All other things are purchased on a weekly basis.  Munch and I go in a morning which can be especially fun when he decides he has had enough of sitting in the trolley and wants to be carried!  There are countless times where I have come close to just leaving without the shopping.  Once I go back to work I may contemplate having groceries delivered but I may miss the perusing far too much.

...bulk ironing?

Er, I don't.  I used to bulk iron religiously but considering I had some clothes sat in the ironing basket until recently for nigh on seven months that tells you how much time I do not seem to have.  I hate ironing as I go but right now it is something that has to happen.


So, how did I do?  Have I bored you sufficiently or made you scratch your head in wonder as to what on earth I am doing?  The one thing that strikes me is just how much I am trying to fit into my days and not actually being very successful at it!

These ladies have very different lives but are all mothers first and foremost.  How do you find the time? 

She Be Fierce
My Crazy 4
The Moiderer
Asperger Mommy
Moonflower and Mummy

Healthy competition

I know, I know! We are told to not compare our children as they all develop at their own pace and in differing ways.  Truth be told, we do don't we?  I'll wave my hand in the air and admit that I do - maybe not outwardly so but I do nonetheless.

Munch and I go to a sensory group where there is singing, signing, music and a whole host of other activities that keep us entertained for a full sixty minutes.  The first time he sat on his own solidly was at this group.  Cue utter amazement from yours truly and a proud mummy moment added to the list.  I digress.

The other week another mum, who had not been to group with her son for a couple of weeks, noticed Munch sitting.  She commented on how the last time she saw him he was not sitting on his own.  Then she asked about eating.  Her little boy had not quite mastered the art of putting food in his own mouth yet with the whole baby-led weaning whereas Munch had.  It is when conversations go this way that I wonder what good it does asking.

I admit I look to see what other children of a similar age can do to see what is possible.  We all parent differently which bring out different skills in our offspring.  That does not mean to say that I am upset if Munch is not doing something that others can.  It only makes me want to encourage him to develop those said skills so that we do not miss it through oversight on our part.

From that incident I have looked back at my own childhood.  The earliest memory I have of being competitive comes from when I was around seven years of age.  There were these books - the gold books - which were kept next to the headmistress' office.  You were only allowed to choose from these books if you had read all the other books available in class.  My best friend at the time was reading these and I wanted to also.  And so it began. A switch got turned to on in my head somewhere and in my final year at the age of twelve I won every school prize going bar sport and music.  Yes, I was that child.

I am competitive by nature - it makes tasks and activities more palatable for me.  Hell, even if there is no competition I will set one in my head to push myself - it is nice to win but the drive it creates in me is addictive! 

Competition can be healthy and be a great motivational tool but there always come a point where you realise that there is always someone better and it hits you with a thud.  For our little boy there is only one thing I ask - to be the best that he can be no matter what that may be.

* goes to discover how not to be an overbearingly pushy mother*

I can and I will

Before your child was born did you have a mental list of the many things you would like to do with them?

The only thing I had in my mind before his birth was that I wanted him to have what I term a proper childhood.  One filled with happy memories of times spent doing the simplest things as a family be it jumping in puddles to camping in the garden.

With his birth came the realisation that in order to achieve this rich and varied family life I would need to learn some new skills myself.  Hark -  a challenge no less!  What would our son be interested in?  I don't know everything about everything and I never trust those that believe they do.  There are many a thing I cannot do - the list is endless.  There is the riding a bike (I did do once but I rode into a lady on that first attempt. She promptly tore me down verbally and so I haven't been on one since!), chess, all manner of sport related things and that is just for starters.

I am wanting to be able to participate and support Munch to the point where I am quite willing to do whatever it takes.  I, personally, may not have an ounce of interest in something but I am willing to learn with him.  Given time I may even enjoy the things I am not keen on right now.

Maybe you read this and think I am being unrealistic.  I know there will be things that I just cannot grasp - the thought of encouraging him to be creative scares the bejeezus out of me.  Neither Sprout nor I are creative types you see.  That hasn't stopped me from pinning all things creative on Pinterest for future use though!

I am all for trying our utmost to forge great memories in the hope that we leave our son with the knowledge that we gave him time - our time.   Of all the moments in my life where I need to remember the phrase "I can and I will" it is now and, in my mind, always.

Now we are six

OK, so there are not six chez moi - rather that we are about to hit the six month mark since our rainbow boy was born.  On the one hand it feels a lot longer and on the other time has run away with itself and had a jolly good time doing it!

We, aka Mushypea and Sprout ( I'll share that tale with you anon), have gone through the steep learning curve that is the introduction to parenthood and are fighting strong.  There have been moments, I might add, where we have both beaten our respective chests and squared off but we are learning to be a three and are adjusting as things progress.

I am currently preparing myself for the work that I need to put in to make the transition, for our little Munch, from being with mum almost 24/7 to going to nursery when I return to work as smooth as possible.  It is an exciting time as we are into the throws of baby-led weaning, about to start 'swimming' lessons, on the verge of crawling and constantly grasping new skills albeit I'm not sure if raspberry blowing is considered a skill but I celebrate these steps regardless.

It is with great trepidation that I look towards my return to my previous day job.  I'm not the first mother to have to do this and by no means will I be the last.  The little moments that I will miss and the little snippets of time that I will have on a daily basis tug on those heart strings like I never imagined and I'm not even back at work yet!!  How did I develop this dependency on my little partner in crime?  We have spent less than twenty-four hours apart in these past six months so it is to be expected I guess.  It will bother me more than it will Munch but I keep my head firmly screwed and remind myself of all the benefits it will bestow on us.  It's either that or I've come to the conclusion I'd tell them to stick the job and be a full time stay at home mum and that option isn't realistic/healthy for us at all.

I have gone through all manner of emotions these past six months - good and the not so good.  The one that stands out is just how much unbridled joy such a little person can bring.  My little bubble that is our family makes me want to burst with happiness and if there is a heaven on earth I am lucky enough to be living it.  This is my heaven - my family.