To be apart

When did you spend your first planned hours apart from the little person/people in your life?  I have spent less than twelve hours apart from Munch in almost seven months and the thought of it scares me somewhat.  Maybe 'scares' is not strong enough a word - how about petrified, anxious, nervous and probably a whole host of other words my brain cannot bring to the fore right now. 

You see, the plan is that this Saturday I will spend an afternoon on my own doing whatever it is I choose.  We have decided that Munch and I need to start spending time apart before we can even think about leaving him with anyone other than Daddy.  Daycare/ nursery looms so I have to do this. 

It has felt like a long time since I have been, well, just me.  I have been a Mummy from the day we got that positive test and my life became centred around doing what was best for Munch.  Who am I now?  All the activities I attend, it is not about who I am but Munch.  I watched something the other day and the mother said about feeling invisible - it struck a chord.  I am not sure I know how I fit into the big world outside of the one I have been living in for all this time.   I am not the same person I was all that time ago and yet I am. Confused?  So am I.

Small steps - it is but a few hours, it cannot be that difficult!  I have made an appointment at the hairdressers which will take all of thirty minutes as I only want a cut and blow.  What else?  Help me people, what else??  It would be very easy for me to decide and go do the food shopping and all manner of house related things but that kind of misses the point of this exercise right?  *strikes that from the list*

Lunch?  A movie?  What takes up lots of time without you realising?  How about driving around and around the M60 ring road until it gets to home time or my petrol light comes on?  There are so many things that could be done but I have no clue as to what it is I want to do.  Ooo, I need to get a pair of shoes for a wedding next month.  That's now two things on my list at least.  Throw in lunch with or without a friend as I need to eat - three things.

I know it is healthy for me to get some me time and that this will eventually lead to some Mushypea-and-Sprout-only-time in the future. So why does the prospect of a few hours apart seem so utterly daunting?

Will I be checking my phone every two minutes?  Will I make it further than ten minutes away from our front door?  Will I end up sat in my car in the middle of nowhere feeling glum?  *sighs* I can feel a panic rising from the depths - I have to able to do this otherwise how will I go on when I return to work? 

I know Munch and Sprout will be fine without me, will I without them?