> Mushypea, Sprout et al: March 2013

Saturday, 9 March 2013

Face value

Slowly, ever so slowly I have noticed a change to my face since having had Munch.  It started as though I had sunburn around my lips and I gave it not much thought even though I am not prone to burning at all.  I put it down to a change in hormones and carried on as normal.  The change has crept up without me realising until this past month.  The pigment from my skin is slowly but surely vanishing in an ever increasing area spreading outwards from around my lips. I've never been one to pay that much attention to my face other than to make sure I moisturise but this has unnerved me.

It is my face.  It is the part of me that people look at and see every day.  It is my identity in part and watching the colour slowly leave parts of my skin has rocked my confidence.  My brain tells me that in an ideal world it shouldn't matter how I look but part of me is struggling to deal with the change that will keep coming.  How far and how fast will this loss of colour go?  How are those around me going to react?  How will I deal with their reactions?  How will it affect my son growing up?  Do I cover it up or do I wear it strong and proud and set about to educate those that don't understand it?

For now, I am slowly coming to terms with the condition that is changing my face - vitiligo.  It is one where the melanocytes, which are responsible for giving skin its colour, become damaged or destroyed and result in the skin turning white in patches.  I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss my options but for now I am using makeup to cover it up.  In all my adult years I have never thought to put a face on.... until now.  Well, not even a full face but just enough to cover the patches that exist right now.  I am not ready in myself to deal with any comments and questions from strangers, or even friends, so I am 'hiding' until I am stronger.  The tears flow freely as I sit and write this.  This is my reality, it is not one I ever imagined, it is not life threatening yet having it upsets me that I have cried many tears this week.

I had a total stranger say to me,  "What's wrong with your face?" at work this week.  That comment triggered something in me and once home I sobbed in a blubbering heap on Sprout.  That day made my vitiligo real and since then my heart and brain have been attempting to deal with the knowledge.  I am fearful and anxious of what the future brings - there will come a time when I accept the changes that are to come graciously and with ease but I'm working towards that.  My face is only a minor part of who I am.  I just need to have faith that people will be able to look past my face and see the person I am. 

Sunday, 3 March 2013

Month seventeen

We now have a seventeen month old on our hands.  Where does the time go I ask you?

In the past month he has gotten himself a favourite toy.  The smile that lights up Munch's face is enough to melt even the coldest of hearts when he spies his monkey.  Munch hasn't grasped the word monkey so calls him Teddy which at times can sound a lot like Daddy much to Sprout's confused ears!  He talks to Teddy, dances with him, throws him about a bit and both sit in my lap listening to their bedtime story.  Munch has never taken to soft toys until this past month but it's the most adorable thing - maybe one of the many adorable things he does.

Munch is proving to be a chatterbox albeit a lot of toddler speak right now.  We can have a full blown conversation about who knows what but he gets his say alright.  Everywhere we go he will say "Hiya!" to anyone walking by and only gets louder if he doesn't get one back.  There are more new words such as chair, cow, moo, step, tap, dog, box, bath time, more, go and no.  There are the beginnings of stringing of words - who's this, what's that, where gone.  His latest word taught by Sprout was goal - Daddy is very pleased of course. 

The one word that caught me off guard was Mummy.  I think of that moment now and my response is the same.  Tears prick from behind my eyes and roll down my face - will I remember it like that forever I wonder?  The emotion that one solitary word can conjure leaves me with no words.  One of the most amazing moments so far.  I should invest in some tissue company now as I cannot imagine how long I will be sobbing with happiness for when he tells me he loves me.  

Munch is turning into a little helper.  He has some strange obsession with the vacuum cleaner, to the extent where he will express his frustration by throwing a tantrum when I am attempting to vacuum and he wants to do it instead.  We have now got him his own toy cleaning trolley complete with vacuum cleaner.  It worked a treat as Sprout was able to vacuum with Munch helping him using his toy.  Everyone was happy!  He is loving putting things away and tidying up at the moment, I'm hoping this is a sign that we will not be tidying up after him in years to come. 

He still seems far too small to be running around but he loves inclines.  He will merrily run up and down, up and down, up and down for as long as his legs will carry him.   At one stage he would fall asleep in the car and promptly wake up the minute we arrived home then fight his nap.  We have now fallen into a routine where he naps for a couple hours every day and is in bed by 8pm.  He sleeps straight through the majority of the time and I have even gotten used to waking in mine and Sprout's bed again.  Munch wakes around 7am although this past week we seem to be getting up earlier. Actually, thinking about it, he has been asking for bath time earlier too.  It would seem he is preparing for the clocks to go forward at the end of the month!

This seventeenth month has also bore witness to Munch self weaning from breastmilk.  We have followed his lead when it comes to development and this is another one of those.  It is an odd feeling as there seemed to be little warning that we were heading this way.  Or maybe I was hoping that it would take longer than it has.  I will miss it but know it is just another step in him growing up.  Who knew we'd get this far?  I was ready to pack it in around month three but my sheer pigheadedness has gotten us here.   The journey has been an emotional one for sure.

His character is forming more and more every day.  He is an observer of everything around him.  He is caring, considerate, fun loving and has dare devil tendencies.  He is a friendly, loving soul and if he continues in this vain is going to break many a heart I can tell.  So much has happened since my last post, what will change from now until my next?