"It's not about you."
"Why don't you give formula?"
"You're making a mistake and you'll change your mind."
"I'm so tired."
"Why don't you do ..... , you have time."
"I go to work."
There are many more that I could add and have been said by all manner of those around me. I swallow my own words as the torrent of verbal abuse that runs through my brain in the split second that follows is unreal. If unleashed I know they would cut to the core and I am not one that likes to be hot headed when it comes to using my words, for once they venture forth from my mouth there is no way I can ever take them back and living with regret is not something I like to do.
It often makes me wonder whether people think before they speak. We all have heat of the moment reactions and Sprout has always said that the words spoken in those moments hold some truth to them. If this is true, then in my case I don't think much of those around me. My first reactions are always extreme; my first reactions are always cutting my nose off to spite my face; my first reactions are always viscous, below the belt and I would be an utter bitch in the things I would say. I know this about myself and stop. I like to have time to calm down, re-evaluate the situation and think - this usually manifests itself in complete silence on my part, not helpful I know but for me it's better than the alternative.
Words can hurt and leave scars on us all. I remember the phrases above because they hurt at the time. They hurt because they showed little thought; little understanding; little compassion; little sensitivity; little tact and little diplomacy. I am not faultless when it comes to using words. I am poor in communicating my deepest feelings and often wonder if it is because I am afraid of the reaction once I put them out there. Maybe I am overly sensitive as a new Mum seeing as my self confidence has taken a dive. Do all Mums take comments as personal slights? I need to toughen up and probably tell people to shut up and back off; maybe I need to stop thinking before I speak!
Hello. I completely get what you're saying. People should be careful of their words. Not only saying them but on social media such as Facebook where some people seem to forget that what they say can be read by others for a very long time.
ReplyDeleteI think being a new mum is so exhausting that perhaps I was a bit overly sensitive at the time. That said, you are the Mum and your choices are yours to make not anybody else. I hope that putting down your words here has made you feel a bit better. If it hasn't then maybe you do need to say what you think (perhaps in a controlled way) at the time.
Thanks for sharing.
Michelle
Thank you for your comment and to know that I'm not the only one. I agree with you when you say that the exhaustion that comes with being a new Mum probably helps little and I think in this almost first year it has been a huge baptism of fire. My relationships with all those around me have changed and although I have patience by the bucket load when it comes to our son, I have little left for others. The vulnerability I have felt at times makes me overly sensitive - I need to work on that. Blogging has its therapeutic value and this subject has preyed on my mind since when I was pregnant. I can only change myself and my reactions; what others choose to say/do is entirely up to them.
DeleteYou are absolutely right. Someone once told me that we have 2 ears and one mouth and should use them in that ratio! I do an assembly in primary schools on this very subject - I get a child to squeeze as much toothpaste out of the tube as they can in a set time limit.... then I ask them to put it back. Of course they try but it makes a terrible mess and they can't do it. Words are out and they can't be put back in.
ReplyDeleteJust bringing a different perspective though, the "I'm so tired" comment above stood out to me. Why would that upset you so much? Are only mums allowed to be tired? I realise that isn't what you are saying! But that's something I have encountered before. I did a degree with a few mature students on the course who had children. I was so full of admiration for them being able to do a full time degree whilst looking after a family (one lady used to get up at 4am to write her essays before her family woke up!). However when I would say that I was tired, run down, in need of a break they would immediately say "Why are you tired?! You have no kids!" I guess it's like the "You have the time..." comment that hurts you so much. Ok I don't have kids. But I had a full time job on top of the degree, I was maintaining a long distance relationship and planning a wedding! I was allowed to be tired! It all comes down to what you are saying, people need to think before they speak and not make assumptions about people's lives. My mum's favourite expression is "Let them get on with it...!" She says it to me when I get wound up by people's insensitivity. That's my only advice to you! Just let them get on with it. Try not to take it to heart. You are amazing! x
At the time the comment "I'm so tired" seemed uncalled for - yes, everyone has a right to be tired but somehow it wound me up because I was tired too, I just didn't announce it; I just got on with it because what other choice did I have? I've developed a tendency to take things to heart, I tend to not respond but it simmers on the inside which is no good either. It has taken time but my conclusion? Let them say what they will but I will not be driven to say things I will regret, in the end I have to do right by me and be able to look myself in the mirror. If others are ok with what they say that is fine too, it's my interpretation and reactions that need to change. Thank you!
DeleteHaha! I know how you feel! Especially about the I'm so tired and having time oh and the work thing (as if looking after a baby isn't a 24/7 job)
ReplyDeleteBefore I had my son, I worked all manner of stupid hours ranging from 7am-10pm doing loads of physical work + face to face with customers (more exhausting imo) but I've never been this tired in my life. Sorry Lauren, you don't know until you know (it's another one of those annoying ones huh?) and then you feel a right prat (I know I did after I have birth, see done it again)
I'm like you, take things to heart, especially now & rarely dare put my true feelings out there for fear of what others might think. I've been called insensitive to others by my own mother lol! But yeah I'm impulsive and blunt. I certainly need to think before I talk more especially now with a growing little man...
Polly I wasn't saying new mums aren't tired, I am a Children and Family Worker so I am more than aware of the pressure that new mums are under 24/7. I was saying that new mums don't have the monopoly on tiredness! My tiredness and sleepness nights might not be down to kids, nor may they be as severe as yours, but that doesn't invalidate them! I just meant that we shouldn't make assumptions about people's lives, that they have it easier than us because they have different responsibilities.
DeleteI totally understand what you say about the level of tiredness. I know my OH and I have never been so exhausted since the arrival of Munch and it does result in us both getting cranky. For me I become a little less compassionate which is wrong and I know this which stops me from saying things that actually, given another five minutes or so I know are not what I truly mean to say.
DeleteI get where you're coming from Polly but Lauren has a valid point; everyone has different stresses and strains in their life and we can never truly understand the lives of others. For me, being a new Mum has made me more sensitive to comments and you know what? I'm not ashamed to say it but I know that in the early months I was driven by my hormones. Now it's more a matter of confidence.
Some people don't think before they speak, their word can be cutting. Being someone who taken word of others, thought about them so much that they have become truth in my life - I know where you are coming from. It's the old saying of; if you hear something often enough you start to believe it.
ReplyDeletePlease don't take the words of others to heart, they think about them for less than a second so why should you think about them longer? As for the talking back thing, I think it's good to tell people that they have hurt your feelings, you may find that they hadn't thought of it as hurtful and when you explain they stop and apologise. There will be others who don't.
Maybe sharing your feeling and vocalising when your feeling has been hurt will be a good thing! Love xx
You always say things that make me see situations differently and are able to put a smile on my face at how silly I am being.
DeleteI shall remember about not giving thought to words that were spoken with no thought. That is exactly right - thank you! xx
My baby is 7 months old and I still take everything to heart. I dread spending time with other people because they always have an opinion on everything to do with parenting. I often find myself filled with anxiety beforehand and then I go over and over in my head what they have said. I know MOST of their remarks haven't been made with the intention of hurting me but they still do. Especially when my baby was under 4 months and was colicky. Many people repeatedly told me they thought colic wasn't a real condition. Implying that we must not be doing things right and that is why baby wouldn't settle. I think that is how my over-sensitivity started. People should still think before they speak, but I need to relax. My partner gets upset that I take it all so personally. I think because I am not confident in my parenting abilities it makes me assume other people are questioning them.
ReplyDeleteI had never thought about it that way. I have strong ideas on parenting but maybe my confidence in my abilities are not strong if that makes sense? I need to learn to relax too! I am learning much about myself since being a parent that's for sure.
DeleteThis is SO true. I think if everyone to took to think before they speak, the world would be a much nicer place. They do say that 'a true word is spoken in jest' and although these can be laughed off at times, there usually is an element of truth. I think we all need to learn a lesson here...
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. I've always been so sensitive to other people's comments, while being very careful about anything I say myself. My children are 6, 4 and almost 2 now and I still have to put up with other people's hurtful remarks at times. I sometimes wish I was the sort of person to say what I think sometimes, and see how they all like that!
ReplyDeleteI'm sensitive when it's about being a SAHM because it's so misunderstood as a role. I often feel like I'm almost apologising to others fo rocking my baby to sleep, breastfeeingcan a a year and choosing to be a SAHM. These are my choices so just get over it! Rant Over! Seriously though, I think we're most hurt because we care about the opinions o others and wan th to recognise tha we feel like we're making th best choices for our LOs.
ReplyDeleteFlipping iPad changed most of my text!
ReplyDeleteI do that shouting out what will hurt the most and I don't mean it I just use a topic I know the person is touchy about.
ReplyDeleteYesterday I had an email from my Mum and there were a few sentences that made me think 'is that about me'? Probably not but I was feeling vunerable and at times that's what being a Mum is - you protect everyone else whilst being a bit sensitive and unsure because we've never done it before and neglect ourselves in the process.
I usually have a good rant to someone who knows me well and will just ignore and agree that commenter is an idiot - it helps xx