> Mushypea, Sprout et al: Face value

Saturday 9 March 2013

Face value

Slowly, ever so slowly I have noticed a change to my face since having had Munch.  It started as though I had sunburn around my lips and I gave it not much thought even though I am not prone to burning at all.  I put it down to a change in hormones and carried on as normal.  The change has crept up without me realising until this past month.  The pigment from my skin is slowly but surely vanishing in an ever increasing area spreading outwards from around my lips. I've never been one to pay that much attention to my face other than to make sure I moisturise but this has unnerved me.


It is my face.  It is the part of me that people look at and see every day.  It is my identity in part and watching the colour slowly leave parts of my skin has rocked my confidence.  My brain tells me that in an ideal world it shouldn't matter how I look but part of me is struggling to deal with the change that will keep coming.  How far and how fast will this loss of colour go?  How are those around me going to react?  How will I deal with their reactions?  How will it affect my son growing up?  Do I cover it up or do I wear it strong and proud and set about to educate those that don't understand it?


For now, I am slowly coming to terms with the condition that is changing my face - vitiligo.  It is one where the melanocytes, which are responsible for giving skin its colour, become damaged or destroyed and result in the skin turning white in patches.  I have an appointment with my doctor to discuss my options but for now I am using makeup to cover it up.  In all my adult years I have never thought to put a face on.... until now.  Well, not even a full face but just enough to cover the patches that exist right now.  I am not ready in myself to deal with any comments and questions from strangers, or even friends, so I am 'hiding' until I am stronger.  The tears flow freely as I sit and write this.  This is my reality, it is not one I ever imagined, it is not life threatening yet having it upsets me that I have cried many tears this week.


I had a total stranger say to me,  "What's wrong with your face?" at work this week.  That comment triggered something in me and once home I sobbed in a blubbering heap on Sprout.  That day made my vitiligo real and since then my heart and brain have been attempting to deal with the knowledge.  I am fearful and anxious of what the future brings - there will come a time when I accept the changes that are to come graciously and with ease but I'm working towards that.  My face is only a minor part of who I am.  I just need to have faith that people will be able to look past my face and see the person I am. 

10 comments:

  1. I just want to give you a big hug! It's not easy to come to terms with sonething like this. I don't know much about but I've heard of phototherapy I think I hope you can ignore any comments stay strong :) xx

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    1. Thank you! I am in the throes of coming to terms with it all. The uncertainty of how it will progress scares me but I will come to the point where I will ignore the ignorance of others. I have to stay strong, I feel I need to consider what it is I am teaching our son when dealing with it. x

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  2. Poor you xxx love you! Hard to not know what it will do. And then how to manage it too. I think you're allowed to grieve the loss of not having to worry so much about your appearance. Esp over something so unexpected.

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    1. Love you too! One of those unexpected things that happens in life and I am currently telling myself that I'd rather it be me than someone else if that makes sense? I am that weirdo that deep down knows that given time I will rise to fight against the ignorance and will eventually stop hiding. My main concern is how it will affect Munch as he grows up. It throws up many a life lesson to share with him but I am also acutely aware of how the world is not always a pleasant place when people are 'different'. x

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  3. Having had some issues relating to appearance I can appreciate the feeling, hope your doctor has some good advice. I think a lot of the time we are way more conscious of these things than other people, doesn't make it any easier of course.

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    1. I hope so. Feelings of vulnerability are at the fore right now but I know in time my attitude will turn to not giving a damn about what others think. Thank you for reading!

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  4. It must be difficult to find your appearance changing like this. The inevitable changes of aging are bad enough afterall, but everyone expects those. Sorry to hear people have been insensitive about it. x

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    1. People are people. It's just the way the world is. I've never been worried about getting older maybe because like you say it is expected. It's always the unexpected things that catch us off guard and this certainly has. Thanks for reading! x

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  5. It must be frightening for something you've taken for granted all your life to suddenly change without your control. I guess that's like turning grey but this is in a way that others don't expect and/or understand as it is uncommon to them. I remember a girl at school had vitiligo. I remember thinking she was beautiful with such delicate features and the paleness that was taking over her face just heightened that beauty. I hope you can one day soon accept these changes and learn to feel beautiful again, as I am sure you are.

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    1. Thank you for your kind comments. I have had time to accept what is happening now and the area is slowly getting bigger. The first time the lady showed me how to apply the make up I burst into tears - the area vanished from sight under it. For now I am comfortable to cover it up but one day I will stop hiding and face it head on.

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