There were moments of quiet mumblings that gradually built to a crescendo as those downstairs were in the midst of yet another argument fuelled by drink after a hard day. It would start off happily enough with laughter but invariably ended in tears and an exchange of viscous words and, with any luck, only threats of violence. She had grown to read the signs where the mood would change without warning and she took it as her cue to usher the other two out of harm's way.
The three of them sat there transfixed as those downstairs tried to calm the man down. There was a desperation in their voices as they spoke their words. The threats had started and the usual talk of smashing of faces began in earnest. The three looked at each other with tears in their eyes and fear etched across their faces. There was always the question of what could they do? Nothing was the answer. They were too young to do anything and only risked having the wrath turned in their direction. She huddled them closer together and they whispered about dreams of leaving this place."
These are the demons that haunt me. The helplessness at not being able to defend and protect those around me. I now know that it was not my job but at the time I felt I had failed those younger than me. I could only watch for the tells and steer them out of harm's way. I had developed "a look" from young; the effect was immediate when I used it. It was a warning and a pleading in one facial gesture that would last but a moment.
I often wonder when and how I will banish these demons from my life. The scars run deep and my reactions conditioned. It is the past that drives me to give my son a very different childhood; I hope one of innocence, play, fun and joy that comes with being a child.
Did you have demons too? How did you come to leave them in your past? Or did you learn to live with them?
What a powerful post. There are so many who can relate to childhoods like this, but we don't speak out loudly enough. Like you, my own experiences drive me to give my children everything. Most importantly a childhood free from fear. Sometimes I know I overcompensate though!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for sharing that. Know that you are not alone! Xx
I know that we were actually very lucky compared to some out there. Personally, I thought it was the norm until I was old enough to ask my friends and then found that it really wasn't. My experiences have made me the person I am today and yes I understand the tendency to overcompensate because of them. Now I have a child of my own I cannot begin to imagine what drives some to such behaviour - I can only make sure it doesn't happen.
DeleteWhat a brave young girl and lady you are. I too used to sit and listen to my parents fight most evenings although thankfully it was never violent. Being an only child I developed a imaginary friend.
ReplyDeleteIf anything it has made me a better parent to my 2 kids. I will never make them feel unsafe in their own home.
Thankyou for sharing this with us,
Sending huge love xxxx
Brave is not how I would describe myself by any stretch of the imagination. I carry a lot of guilt about events like the one I have posted about. It isn't logical as I was young but I still feel it. Like you, I never want my son to feel unsafe - I want him to be a child for as long as possible and for him to enjoy those precious years.
DeleteI'm in deep admiration of the sensitive way in which you're sharing your story. I can relate to your feeling of helplessness, I felt this very deeply twice in my life, the last time 5 years ago... xxx
ReplyDeletehttp://mothergoutte.blogspot.co.uk/2012/07/5-years-on.html?m=1
Thank you - it is a moment in time that is extremely vivid in my memories and to put it into words was cathartic. I do not dwell on it too much as the anger that lies buried rises up within me and I choose not to give it voice. We have to keep moving and facing forward - there is too much life to live and enjoy.
DeleteI remember those moments too. I think that the best thing is that our children will have childhoods because it's what we will intentionally and deliberately provide for them. I think that means all of the demons are not all in vain. We learn, even and especially through suffering.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if we can banish the demons. They make up so much of who we are - fortunately or unfortunately. At some point, we become survivors instead of victims. Then we start to thrive instead of just survive these types of experiences.
I think, even though you choose not to give the anger a voice, sometimes it helps to let it out. Pent up anger can still control our responses and reactions. Not giving it a voice still gives it a voice within you that you have to fight against. Give it a voice on your blog. A good friend said to me that time heals all wounds, but only when we do the work. And healing doesn't mean there isn't a scar that will remind us of the childhood we lost, it just means it's not an open wound every time we revisit that time of our life.
Much love xxx
I wouldn't even know where to start! I have many issues surrounding alcohol, domestic violence and infidelity that stem from our past; give them voice? Do I just blog about them as I have done this? What work do I have to put in?
DeleteStart with those 3 things you mentioned. Your experience with it, how it affects you both positively and negatively. We can say that we don't let it affect us, but then we're not true to ourselves. The work really starts there. Saying it had and still has a profound effect on us might feel like we're giving into it, but we have to do it to acknowledge how deep-seated it is, even within ourselves. It doesn't mean you're supposed to blog and then let it go and forgive, but it does give voice to the irrational guilt and shame we feel. Once we do that, we can decide how to channel it, deal with it, or be okay with not dealing with it at all. That's okay too. Then you can see how it shapes and affects those around you. Do you like it? If not, work on it. We're all capable of change and growth, and it starts with forgiving yourself and admitting it leaves you vulnerable. Remember, failing doesn't mean you're a failure. Wish I had learned that lesson from the parents because forgiving myself was the best thing I ever did. Probably the biggest negative thing I learned from them was that failing was to be avoided and shameful. It unfairly put blame on our shoulders for things often out of our control. What a crock of shit!
DeleteAs children we learn to live with demons so when we grow up we can banish them by living differently. You are living proof of that and I applaud you. I dropped by via Mummy's Little Monkey and Blow your Own Bloghorn - I'm glad I did!
ReplyDeleteI love your comment "we can banish them by living differently", makes me realise just how much I have moved forward and how I'm not perpetuating the behaviour that surrounded me as I was growing up. Thank you x
DeleteI don't think you will ever banish these demons, but far from being negative, it merely means that you will be a better person because of them. I hope that makes sense? Much love X
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