> Mushypea, Sprout et al: Remember when

Wednesday 27 June 2012

Remember when

Remember when the earth used to move - a lot - in the early days of your relationship?  You go through that honeymoon period as you get to know each other and then things inevitably settle down as life gets back on track.  Add to that a baby and the earth seems to get stuck on its axis as you both come to terms with the changes taking place.  There will probably be many a false start as there is nothing that puts out those flames quite so quickly as a child demanding your attention ... there are your own parents of course but that's not what I'm talking about here.

I have read and heard about the father's being patient and having needs to fulfill.  There seem to be plenty willing to share that.  It made me stop and think.  I actually haven't come across any discussion amongst mothers about theirs.  It has to be done .... *looks wistfully around and extends hand in the air*  I'm a mother, I have a nine month old son and actually I have needs too.  There I said it.  I know that in the feeling lonely, isolated, teary states,  I have many that stand with me.  Why haven't I come across a Mum saying that your sex life changes too?





Towards the end of my pregnancy I felt fat.  My hips ached through having PSD; moving became cumbersome and I didn't feel attractive, glowing or any of the things they say in the glossy magazines.  My hair never got lush and at this moment in time I am beginning to moult (it's the only word for it) as my hormones start to change again.  Post birth was not much better.  My nether regions felt like a multitude of balloon animals had taken up residence - you know what I mean to those ladies who experienced a vaginal birth.  No-one had told me that would happen and although some part of me really wanted to get a mirror to take a peek, I controlled myself and didn't.  I cannot imagine it was a pretty site to behold; not that I can be found spread-eagled inspecting my up and unders everyday I'd like to add!   Add to that the crepe-like belly, swollen ankles, bags under the eyes and general dishevelled look I was rocking, sexy and attractive was not how I felt.

The belly and swollen ankles are now gone and the hedge backwards style only makes an appearance as a one off special every so often.  You would think we'd be back in business right?  Wrong!  It gets replaced with impeccable timing by the little man or, more often than not, sheer exhaustion.  My libido is still there ticking away in the background like an unexploded bomb but life has gotten in the way.  Would I like to work my womanly charms?  Of course, but the chances of me having fallen asleep before the man of the house has even finished brushing his teeth are very, very high.  A wry smile flickers across my face as I write this - sex would be nice.  To be awake when the opportunity arises would be more helpful though!

I cannot believe for one moment that I am alone in how I feel.  Wouldn't it be nice to feel all womanly and yummy rather than frumpy?  I have had discussions about my feelings at my most vulnerable moments with complete strangers whom I've never met.  Is sex too personal a topic? 

Someone has to go first right?  I'll start.

*gulps*

"Hi, I'm Mushypea.  I'm finding it difficult to have a sex life now we have a baby.  Do you?"

*waits for the anonymous comments*

20 comments:

  1. Honey my baby turns 8 months on Friday and I'm not afraid to admit that my OH and I had sex for the first time in over a year last night. It was awkward, not entirely enjoyable, but at least it was a start right!?
    I didn't feel at all confident in myself, I've been with this guy for 6 years, he's seen me give birth and yet I was frightened to take my cami off. I look at my body and, yes, I love my new bust, but the rest of me? Bleugh.
    What doesn't help is over the last 8 months I've always been the one to initiate any kind of sexual contact- I've always had a high sex drive and I feel like he's lost interest... Not that he'll talk about it when I bring it up...

    Sorry for the ramble, and if I've gone into too much detail- I utend to do that and regret it later!- but I jst wanted you to know, no, you're definitely not alone! x

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    1. Thanks lovely. Our first time post-baby was so nerve racking as we didn't know what to expect if you know what you mean. But you just have to get it out of the way in the end. I am like a dog with a bone and refuse to take no talking about the matter. I talk it to death so there is no denying how I feel and then check he understands what I've said. I'm a pain in the bum when it comes to making sure I make my point!

      I'm very lucky my OH takes all my talking. We just have to keep trying. x

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  2. I can relate. I posted on it too a while ago, didn't consider it may be an untouchable subject at the time but it clearly is, a hell of a lot of views no comments. I am so happy I've read this post.
    I am the initiator. Soon as bed time rolls around I read a book & he snores.
    We are 8 months old now my second, his first. I wasn't expecting this. We stopped having sex regularly at 4 months pregnant. I asked him why am I too fat now? Am I uglier? Is it because a person flew out of my vagina?
    He said no too all of them above. He said he loves me in more ways now than before. I was like - yeah cool but I still need some sex in my life. I am happy I read this post. It's not just you & it's not just me.

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    1. If I tell you that this post had over 400 views but so far only 11 comments I think it tells you a lot. I had many people tweet me they felt the same too, so we are far from alone.

      When I was pregnant we must have had sex twice - OH had valid worries as we'd had a miscarriage previously but it didn't mean our urges went away. I was fed up, angry, resentful and felt very much unloved. Sex isn't everything in a relationship but we all need sex sometimes to connect with our partners in a way nothing else does. I hope we all have better times ahead. x

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  3. Lovely piece of writing. As a man I have to say that both sides have much the same feelings. Men need to feel manly, attractive and all the other stuff that comes with it as much as a woman needs to feel seductive and feminine. It's all a lot to ask after having a baby. I feel that it's not about the physical attraction between two people or the perceived loss of it. It's more about the lack of emotional connection between the two people involved and sex is a great way of connecting, physically and chemically. I missed my partner terribly once the Buggle took all of her attention. I missed the sex of course but also I just missed her and it was frustrating to try to initiate a lust filled evening without being interrupted. But you try, try and keep trying. As long as you keep talking about it without letting those feelings of insecurity kill your sex drive then it'll happen. Communication = initiation. Says the practical man.

    @DustandLove

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    1. Thank you! It's nice to get a male perspective - us men and women are not so different after all. I totally agree with the insecurity that creeps up on you. For me, the longer the dry spell the more insecure I become. It's not that Sprout doesn't love me - I don't doubt that for a minute, but the lack of connecting would create such feelings of loneliness that just build and build. Maybe I talk too much and should just initiate - but then, would that cause too much pressure and expectation? I'm overthinking - that is another problem of mine! Will keep trying as you say. x

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  4. You are definitely not the only one lovely! I think I swapped my libido for a baby over 2 years ago. We were just about getting it together again after Chaos was born and PING! along comes baby number 2. Now I am so bloody tired even the thought of "IT" wears me out. My husband has been amazingly patient but he has needs and frequently reminds me of them. I do feel we have lost the connection between us. He is still gorgeous and I love him to bits, I'm just too knackered and Mummy-fied to s**g his brains out like I used to. We are trying to sort ourselves out and spend more time together. I think it makes a bit difference that he is at work all day while I am constantly thinking about them and it can be a really hard habit to break. "You looked just like Chaos then" is a real passion killer, believe me!!
    I was going to blog about it too but my parents now read my blog so I have no desire to share my sex life (or lack of it) with them!! It will get better.. It HAS to!! xx

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    1. You both have needs - frequently reminding you doesn't really resolve anything does it? I used to voice mine a lot but no longer do - it got me nowhere and only got me angry when nothing happened. I understand that loss of connection completely - it wasn't something I thought would happen but it does. It will get better, we just have to make it happen :) x

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  5. Great post. It was only this morning I was tweeting about my wobbly bits after having three babies in 4 years.

    I'm on a bit of a downer today too because I'm feeling drab and undesirable. No time to pamper and look after myself, a million and one things to do around the house AS USUAL. Constantly feeling tired, hard to feel excited. Know it's just me having a bad day. It would be nice to schedule some couple time, but then I end up missing the children.

    This parenting stuff ain't easy...

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    1. It's not is it? So many things change - some we are prepared for, others like this not so much. My theory is I love my son to bits but Sprout will be the one person I will be spending the rest of my days with so I need to make sure we, as a couple, are keeping one eye on that too. x

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  6. Hey I dont have a baby and I am only six months married and I can relate.

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    1. We can only work on better times ahead. x

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  7. I have a 3.5 year old and boy is there timing rubbish when comes intimate.moments. we were just getting back to having a bit of us time and decided now was a good time to try for another doh why did we think adding a second would make getting intimate easier.

    I am 6 months pregnant had horrific morning sickness and then my arthritic condition took a huge turn for the worse and I have been imobile since so no sex for me it has been a long time now and I miss it my hubby does to we are starting to loose us as a couple but I have made a vow I will get back on the horse when I am ready and will enjoy every moment. I mean to sneak many naughty groping moments that will make us feel like we did when we met at 16 ;0)

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    1. LOL. You got to have a grope every now and again ;) Here's to getting back on that horse! x

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  8. So now it's out there....look at all the comments you have got! I have 3 children, 12, 10 and 8 and I have to say that my libido never really returned with the kind of gusto that it was to start with. I think you start seeing one another as 'mummy and daddy' rather than lovers. I found it (and still do to an extent) hard to see myself as anything other than a mum. Do you get an opportunity to have some time alone at home if maybe parents are willing to take the baby out? Or maybe that's too obvious! I would thoroughly recommend a weekend on your own once a year, particularly as your babe gets older. I think you have to start scheduling it in, although it isn't spontaneous or sexy, physical contact is a must in my book or we drift apart :( Good luck!

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    1. Thank you! Physical contact would be lovely - I'm not bothered whether it's spontaneous or not truth be told. I'm still pretty new to the Mummy thing so don't see myself as just Mum. I see myself as a person with many different roles to fulfill depending on who it is I am with - maybe this will change with time but right now I am fighting for my need to be all woman :) A weekend away may be a while off yet but that's certainly something I'll keep in mind. x

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  9. God I wish this thread had come up earlier. My OH and I have our first session with a counsellor tomorrow to try and get things on track after number 1. Well, hopefully better than on track as we were never very prolific and things dried up totally after I stopped taking the initiative. I'm a bit nervous of what may come out but then if we don't try we're accepting the status quo for the rest of our married lives. That's not acceptable to me: I don't need Christian Gray but regular sex is a must: thankfully OH is keen to get things moving too so hopefully we're half way there...

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    1. *hugs* We are very much not alone in how we feel. I sincerely hope that counselling helps you both rediscover each other - doing it together is a huge step.

      If you ever need to chat you are more than welcome to e-mail me.

      mushypea.sprout@gmail.com

      Good luck to you x

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  10. I have two little ones, the eldest is 3 and a half, and things have definatley not been the same since having them. The OH and I seem to have spells of 'loving' and then nothing for months. Tiredness is the main issue, that and I prefer evening 'loving' and he prefers 'morning', Mars and Venus and all that. Hope it gets better soon for you soon x

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    1. We are the same - very much all or nothing at times. I don't have a preference as such - just some would be nice. Hope it gets better for all of us - there are many! x

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