> Mushypea, Sprout et al: Attention

Wednesday 18 July 2012

Attention

I'm finding that attention is becoming a bone of contention.  I have a specific idea that I hold in my head as to what giving our son attention should be.  For me, it is undivided and given to him without question but from comments that have been passed I wonder if I am getting it wrong. 

"He's very clingy", "He'll find it hard at nursery", "You haven't left him with others enough" .... there are plenty more and you know what?  It makes my blood boil.  Do I rise up to those that say these things to me?  No.  I am at that point where I feel that it is pointless me responding as it only unleashes more hurtful comments which makes me feel utterly helpless, useless and rubbish.



Our son craves more and more play that involves interaction; he is happy to play on his own for a while but is going through that phase where he likes to know we are there and no, that does not mean he is permanently attached to my body!  Why is his natural development not taken as such?  If I had spent nearing ten months in the company of one other person for 99% of that time I wouldn't doubt that I would behave the same.  He adapts to new situations as we all do; he will do it far better as he has no preconceived ideas or notions that we as adults have.  Do I find it strange that he takes time to warm to strangers?  Not at all.  I personally prefer him to be cautious and take his time to get used to new people; I don't treat people I've just met as though we're long lost friends so why should Munch?

Have I pandered to his needs too much?  If he has wanted a cuddle I have given it, when he has been upset I have consoled him, whatever he has needed I have delivered without question.  In making sure he has gotten my undivided attention I thought I was laying the foundations of emotional stability, trust and the confidence to make those independent explorations of the world. 

So why do I get made to feel as though I have given too much?  Why do I get made to feel that I have done wrong by giving him all the attention I have?  Is there such a thing as too much attention?  And why, oh why is this parenting malarkey such a minefield?  I am giving our son what I believe will give him the best start in life, if I am doing him harm through all the attention I shower on him then I'm not sure I understand what being a parent means to some.


18 comments:

  1. Took the words right out of my mouth! This was so lovely to read and just what I needed to hear to make me feel normal again! Thank you x

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    1. I'm glad it helped. I get moments where I hear the same comments so often that I begin to question myself and then the worry sets in! I believe it is normal behaviour in all parents; we all have our doubts it's only natural. x

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  2. I really wouldn't worry. Until H first went into childcare at 9.5 months, I was much the same with him. He only ended up being in nursery for a month as my husband lost his job and was then a SAHD for 5 months, when he found a job and H went to a childminder.

    In the case of the nursery, H had never spent more than 2 hours away from me and that was with my husband while I went to the hairdresser. When he started at the childminder, it was much the same, he still had never been left with anyone other than one of us. In both settings the care givers expressed their surprise at how quickly he adapted and how confident he was.

    I believe that if you give as much undivided attention as you physically can while they are young then they become confident that you are going to return to them. We played a lot of games of hide and seek, peek a bo etc and the only time H has ever really displayed any sense of seperation anxiety but for those brief dropping off sessions.

    As a a parent I very much follow my gut instinct, hell H is 26 months and still comes into our bed some nights because all he wants is a cuddle and frankly, there will be enough times when he is older when he will push me away so I am making the most of it for now!

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    1. I give him the attention he needs and in my eyes he is perfectly confident and outgoing given a little time to adjust to new people and surroundings. I need to stop giving others too much credence when it comes to their comments at times.

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  3. Sounds like you're doing a great job. Bet your little one will be smart and sociable and loving and a great parent themself when the time comes.
    Nobody can have too much love x

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    1. My childhood was very different and it is what drives me to give our son one that gives him security, happiness and confidence. We may get things wrong but we do all the things we do out of love.

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  4. I don't think it matters what you do some kids are naturally more clingy than others. I have one of each and I of course parented exactly the same to them both. My eldest is independent, free spirited, confident and doesn't give me a backward glance. Whilst my 19 month old is permanently attached to me, whether its clutching my legs, holding my hand or being carried. Its just the way they are and in my view you give them what they need, so if its cuddles, comfort, love or extra space, freedom then so be it.

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    1. So true. I am one of five and we are all very individual in character. I follow his lead and respond to him - he likes his space to play alone but also likes to have cuddles some days. Thanks.

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  5. I recently heard the story of a Mum who'd been told 'You're spoiling him!' Because she was holding her baby a lot. She answered 'Do you really think so? I hope I am, thank you!' :-)
    Xxx

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  6. To be honest at this age its very common for them to become clingy and it is usually just a phase they go through although it can become very draining when you cant even go for a pee in peace.

    Find a toy/book/game he enjoys and sit with him when his attention is focused on what hes doing say you have to just go fetch something and try to give him “free time” alone so he learns to stay alone and play and not constantly need you.

    Another great but more expensive way to break this routine is nursery or asking friends/family to come and sit with him.

    You have done nothing wrong x

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    1. I had read lots about this phase coming and I have to bear in mind that it is just another developmental phase. He will change as quickly as this phase arrived and I watch him becoming more independent by the day. I just wish people weren't so quick to criticise.

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  7. There's a difference between giving a child love attention and giving them attention because they demand you do nothing else. There is nothing wrong in a child learning to play on their own, even a child needs to learn who to cope being independent.
    The fact of the matter is, you will not be there for your child when he or she goes to school. So surely it's good parenting preparing and teaching your child to be happy without needing you by their side?

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    1. I totally agree with the different types of attention - the last thing we want is to bring up our son to be demanding in the wrong manner. It will do him no favours in the long run. We keep our eye on the long game and try to do our best to make sure we encourage him to develop those life skills which will serve him well in the future.

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  8. As you said yourself, you are giving your little boy the VERY best start in life. There are plenty of studies to prove this. Two books which I found great are 'Why love Matters' by Sue Gerhardt and 'What every parent needs to know' by Margot Sunderland. He will end up being more confident as a result, he doesn't have to raise his stress levels as you are always there for him. The difficult part in parenting is wading through others opinions!

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    1. We all parent our own way and I do listen to what people say as I don't claim to know the answers or the right ones for that matter. My nature is to question my actions and decisions - if I can be better I will try and be but that also means I worry I will mess up and fail too. My own worst enemy at times!

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  9. Don't let others choose how you feel. I agree that some kids are just more clingy than others. It's going to be hard for you and him at nursery no matter what. I worry that Lydia will be stolen off by a stranger one day because she'll talk to any old crazy person on the street! It's scary when kids aren't clingy as well!! I constantly talk to her about strangers but who knows if it's sinking in! I do think it's important to teach kids about independence and self-help / self-control of their own emotions. Frankly I think 9 months is a bit early though!! Once they start being able to communicate and talk I think they have the tools to express themselves and do that a bit more. And by that time, they've usually had some interaction with other kiddos to self-regulate.

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    1. I have no idea why I allow others to do that. I don't necessarily change what I do but I do worry that perhaps what I'm doing may be detrimental to him. Of course, deep down I don't believe I am and really should just listen to myself a lot more!

      He will change once he starts nursery; he is far from shy and needs time to acclimatise as it were. Will he still be seen as clingy by some if he changes? Who knows? He is happy and thrives and sometimes I wonder if it is more about the people that make the comments than him himself.

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